urges

source: i Googled it

i visited indigo several times this month. it doesn't matter what my original intentions are, i always visit the stationary section. sometimes i just look around. but most of the time, i buy something. whether i need or not is irrelevant. the one thing i have never been able to justify is buying a beautiful sketchbook.

i feel like it would be such a waste on me. my reasoning: "i'm not creative enough." i know i'm not using that word properly because every time i think creative, i think, art. when i think art, i think, drawing. allow me to be wrong with my definition this one time. 

i can't draw. i can take photos and post them with text. but drawing, nah. won't it be such a waste to just write on a sketchbook. i mean my writing is not even the trendy calligraphy type. it's just, all caps. very boxy and clinical. so no sketchbooks for me. 

let's be real
who would want tutorials from this mess

a few people told me that i should start vlogging. um. excuse me, but what? are you serious?

"omg you can totally do make-up and hair tutorials."

right. like we don't have enough of those already. 

1. i can barely stand the sound of my own voice. if i vlog it would be non-speaking videos. like all my videos on instagram. who wants that?

2. i have zero personality for vlogs. sure i like to make faces and sass people in real life but i don't think i would like that to forever be on the internet. which brings me to...

3. i am too self-conscious for videos. add this to the fact that i'm a bit of a perfectionist and it will take 500 years to film, edit and post one video. 

i have so much respect for people who make a living off of YouTube. that's a lot of hard work. also, to have so many subscribers, to have so many people interested in whatever you post and, to have so many strangers know your business is nuts - the good kind. 

why am i even writing about this. i don't know. maybe mostly because i only watch YouTube and Netflix these days and YouTubers continue to amaze me. i'm jealous of their personalities, creativity and, most of all, their courage. 

just to say that i tried before saying no completely. i posted a speaking video on my instagram story today. it was painful to say the least. 

oh hey look at that

it didn't take me forever and a half to post something new