in-between holiday thoughts

it was windy today.

it was warmer than the past few days.

the sun was out. and it was not.

the snow is gone. 

the ice is gone. 

they are gone. 

im at home. 

i guess this is what it would be like if i were to live on my own. myself. the place. my camera. echo. stuff. oh but i would definitely have a dog. definitely. 

its kind of lonely. and scary. i have too much time to myself. when i have this much time on my hands, i start to think. and when my mind starts going, its kind of scary. 

theres this word that people throw around a lot lately. "fail." at one point tonight i wondered if i am failing at life. 

there is a list of things that remind me of how fortunate i am. the fact the i showered with hot water this morning. the fact that i had food to eat. the fact that i was able to drive to church. the fact that i was able to go to church. the fact that i am typing this right now. the fact that i am also on the phone with someone i love. the fact that i know ill have a blanket to keep me warm tonight. the fact that i have a job to go tomorrow. 

and thats only bit and pieces of today. 

but what about the other things i dont have or havent done. my dream of going back home to visit. my dream to go to korea. my dream to go to japan. my dream to take pictures of everything, everywhere. my dream to keep writing. my dream to get away. my dream to set myself free. my dream to live. my dream to be me. 

i guess it was the right time to ask myself if i was failing at life. i have reached the end of the paved road. 

people say that we need to learn how to be content. its very dangerous to stand between contentment and complacency. i dont ever want to mistake one for the other. i dont want to live someone elses life. i dont want to live someone elses dream. i dont want to just anything just because its the thing to do. 

i dont want to exist.

i want to live.

it is only when i have failed to do so that i will say that i have failed at life. 

ill keep you posted.